In Which the Unofficial Leaders of a Deserted Island Implement Anarchy
by murtlewikisam
Summary: Prowl can think of many things he would hate to experience, and being stuck on an island with the thorn in his side known as Sideswipe and a Decepticon seeker was one definitely of them. Perhaps though, this awful experience can bring the tactician and the frontliner closer together.


This is the third story in what I'm going to call the comedy AU of my AU. A serious story might be published here eventually, but for now, the things you need to know for this story. You need to read the first two stories, as they are referenced many times, and the Autobots have four friends in the military known as General General Nelson, Lieutenant John Johnson, Lieutenant Phil Mann, and Phil's cousin Vincent 'Vinnie' Mann. I am very surprised at how long this story turned out to be, as I was originally shooting for one of a similar length to the others. I have no one to blame for this story but myself this time.

Disclaimer: I still don't own Transformers. Le sigh.

-In Which the Unofficial Leaders of a Deserted Island Implement Anarchy-

Some Island in the South Pacific,  
The Beach: 3:23 PM

Just three more feet. Three more feet and he would have been out of the blast zone. But no. He wasn't fast enough. Prowl frowned as he briefly pondered what Sideswipe's excuse was. Probably that he was busy being sandwiched into the ground by a 22-ton jet. Wimp. Regardless of excuses, Prowl was now trapped on an unknown Island. And also only 5 inches tall, courtesy of Wheeljack. Le Sigh.

Sagging in defeat, Prowl turned his attention to his squabbling companions. Sideswipe and Skywarp. What did he do to deserve this torture, Primus? Their weapons were out of charge, and they were damaged enough that punching was a chore rather than a pleasure, so the only way Sideswipe and Skywarp could fight was vocally. And they were. Loudly. In fact, Prowl doubted they had even noticed their predicament.

Weighing his options, the Autobot third-in-command came to the conclusion that he could probably pull rank to get Sideswipe to shut up. The problem was Skywarp.

"-AND IT'S YOUR FAULT I CRASHED IN THE FIRST PLACE SO WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME!?"

A big problem.

"YOU'RE A DECEPTICON! WHY _WOULDN'T_ I YELL AT YOU!?"

"SHUT UP YOU WALKING JUNKYARD!"

" _I'M_ A WALKING JUNKYARD!? YA LOOKED IN THE MIRROR RECENTLY SKYDORK!?"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

"Sideswipe!" Prowl had to yell in order to be heard over their bickering. "In case you have not noticed, we are stranded on an Island somewhere in the South Pacific, and we are approximately 5 inches tall. That being said, would you kindly come over here and help me find out what we are going to do? Yelling at Decepticons is not going to get us anywhere."

Sideswipe stared at Prowl. "5 inches tall..?" It seemed like Sideswipe finally decided to take a look around, and when he did, he noticed the much-larger-than-they-should-be trees and lizards. ". . . Slag it Wheeljack!" He yelled. As if the engineer could actually hear him.

"Yes, how nice of you to finally notice. Now get over here." Prowl replied, not bothering to mention that his first impulse at discovering their situation was to shout Wheeljack's name as well.

Sideswipe frowned and glared at Skywarp. "What about him?" He asked, venom in his voice.

Prowl slid his gaze over to the seeker and stared disapprovingly. "He can either help us, or find his own way off this Island."

Sideswipe glanced at Prowl. "As if he'd help out a couple of Autobots."

"You got that right!" Skywarp interjected, looking positively disgusted at the very idea. "Besides, I don't need your help to get back!"

"Uh-huh." Sideswipe deadpanned, a smirk on his face. "Welp, have fun getting out of here with your busted warp drive. Oh, and your broken wing. You're welcome for that by the way."

"You're just lucky I didn't break your face!"

"Sure, sure. I must remember to thank Primus for saving me from certain doom."

"Anyway, we are going this way, Sideswipe." Prowl pointed to the woods away from the shore and, more importantly, away from Skywarp. Those two could drive each other up a tree and still have something to say.

"Fine. Later, Skydork!"

"Why you little . . ."

Prowl didn't hear the rest of whatever it was that Skywarp was about to say. Shame. He was sure it was compelling. Alas, he was busy leading the way to the forest.  
"So . . . what exactly happened back at the battleground that dropped us here?" Sideswipe asked, looking a bit put out that he didn't already know.

"You had just wrestled Skywarp to the ground when Wheeljack's shrink ray was destroyed by a wayward rocket. The resulting explosion not only shrank those of us within its range; it also seemed to amplify and distort Skywarp's warp drive, causing him to teleport us with him, though not to his intended destination."

"You think it could've shrunk some of the others too?"

"It is a possibility." Prowl honestly hoped that they hadn't been the only ones who weren't fast enough to escape the blast radius. Though if it shrank Optimus Prime, he was going to have Wheeljack's head on a platter.

"Alright then . . . so what's the plan?"

"The idea is to think of a plan and discuss it _together_."

"What? C'mon Prowl, I'm slag at plans. You know this."

Primus did Prowl know it. That scrapping frontliner always rushed into things with the intention of 'winging it.' Probably invented his inane 'jet judo' when he fell off a building and onto a Decepticon jet after an all-night kung-fu movie marathon. "I do, but I still expect you to at least try."

Sideswipe shrugged. "Fair enough. But no promises that I'll actually come up with anything."

Some Island in the South Pacific,  
The Beach: 3:29 PM

Skywarp narrowed his optics at the retreating forms of Sideswipe and Whatshisface and scowled. Self-righteous Autobot scum. How dare they think that he couldn't get off the island on his own! He just needed to . . . to . . . to what? "Slag it!" Skywarp yelled. He kicked the sand, sending it a few inches. Inches. The Autobrat was 5 inches tall, right? What did that make Skywarp? 'Come on Skywarp, do the math.' He thought. 'Uh . . . lemme see . . . the red menace is, like, half my height, right? Right. So 5 times 2 is . . . 10? Ugh, duh! Of course it's 10, dimwit, what else would it be? 32?' Satisfied with the answer of 10, Skywarp turned around to . . . to . . .  
"UGH! WHAT DO I DO NOW!?" Yell. Yes, yell. That is clearly why he turned around. How dare you question him. Stuck with the conundrum of being stranded on an island, _and_ having little to no survival skills, Skywarp decided that the best way to stay alive was to stalk the Autobots and copy their every move. It was a brilliant plan that could only end in success. Turning back to the forest, he set out to follow the Autoslags and hopefully not die in the process.

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Forest: 6:57 PM

Sideswipe backed up a few inches and took a nice long look at the new shelter he and Prowl had just finished. It wasn't the greatest, though about as well built as it could be, all things considered. After all, neither he nor Prowl were architects, that was Grapple's gig. Therefore, Sideswipe found the fact that it had _not_ fallen on their heads to be a good thing, and evidence of success. Differences aside, Sideswipe was very glad to have Prowl with him, as he probably wouldn't have thought of the shelter on his own.

"I know what you are thinking, and I suppose you are right. You would not have thought of this. You are far too used to being tall."

Prowl's level voice cut through Sideswipe's thoughts, startling the frontliner. "Gah! Proooowl! Get out of my head!" He whined, giving his commander a freaked out look.

Prowl stared back and arched an optic ridge. "You have been staring at the shelter for three whole minutes. I do not have to be a mind reader to guess what you were thinking."

Sideswipe sighed as his expression morphed into a pout. "Was it really that obvious?"

"Incredibly so."

"Rats." Sideswipe glanced over his shoulder at the shrubbery surrounding their chosen clearing before his voice dropped to a whisper. "You do know we're being followed, right?"

"Of course. Though I doubt he will try anything." Prowl replied quietly. "Whether or not he will admit it, he needs us."

"Right. We're his cheat sheet." Sometimes the complete lack of consideration the Decepticons had for their own soldiers surprised Sideswipe. Like now. Hadn't they taught them anything about survival? Or was Skywarp just that incompetent? Suddenly, an idea struck Sideswipe. Grinning his trademarked devil grin, he turned back to Prowl. "How's about we give him something to copy?"

Prowl looked at the red bane of his existence with a look of absolute trepidation. Sideswipe hoped that was the right word. ". . . What do you mean?" He finally asked. "What are you plotting?"

Sideswipe's grin grew larger, an evil idea in his CPU. He was perfectly aware that he was not helping Prowl's weariness, as every other time Prowl had seen the grin had ended in disaster. Hilarious disaster, but disaster nonetheless. "C'mon, it'll be fun! All we have to do is . . ."

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Forest: 7:43 PM

Skywarp stared at the Autobots in confusion. Almost one Earth hour ago, they had finished their shelter. That made sense. At their new size, he supposed that they would be in more danger than usual. A lot more danger. After their shelter's completion, they had seemingly had a small huddle. No biggie. But after the huddle, they had gone off to grab some things. That was when things got strange. From his spot in his tree, Skywarp was currently watching Sideswipe and Commander Straightface collect _mushrooms_. _Why_? Why were they collecting mushrooms? He knew the Autobots' third-in-command was the logical sort. Like Shockwave, only with less creepy experiments. So why in the name of Primus did he tell Sideswipe to collect mushrooms?

Deciding he didn't have enough time to question their actions if he wanted to live, Skywarp climbed down and started to follow their lead. Just as he had done with the shelter and everything else. He stared disapprovingly at the organic . . . _things_ and kicked one with his pede. Mushrooms. They looked smaller on TV. Not that Skywarp would ever admit that he would sometimes watch TV. Still, watching the fleshbags humiliate themselves on a public broadcast was funny slaggit! He leaned over and snatched up a couple mushrooms, quickly discovering that at his new size, he'd have to take several trips. The jet groaned and was moving to grab another when he heard an eerily familiar - though significantly louder - sound. Bracing himself, Skywarp turned around. He then - like the ferocious warrior he was - let out a loud shriek. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Forest: 7:46 PM

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

Sideswipe and Prowl looked up in surprise at the loud scream that assaulted their audios. ". . . Was that Skywarp, or did someone step on a really loud squeaky toy?" Sideswipe asked with an amused smirk, glancing over his shoulder.

"I am not sure. It has become rather hard to differentiate the two, has it not?" Prowl replied, letting some of his amusement show in a slight quirk of the lips.

"Awww. Is collecting mushrooms too strenuous a task for the big bad seeker?" The red lamborghini sniggered, making a rather pitiful attempt at muffling his laughs with the back of his servo. "But seriously, what do you think happened?"

"Well-" Prowl found himself being (rudely) interrupted by a porcupine. One who absolutely _had_ to barrel through _their_ territory. The two Autobots stared blankly as it meandered across the clearing; dragging a struggling, cursing Skywarp by his remaining wing with its mouth.

The seeker's magenta optics burned with rage. "Put me _down_ you stupid meat sack! I'm not a chew toy! Quit it! Slaggit, PUT ME DOWN! STUPID SLAGGING ORGANIC PEST! GO CHEW ON THOSE FLESHY LOVING AUTOSLAGS! ARE YOU _LISTENING_ TO ME!?" All at once, it seemed as if the Decepticon finally took notice of their presence. Seems he was too wrapped up in his tantrum to spot them before he could humiliate himself. ". . . NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING HUNK OF FLESH! I SWEAR, WHEN I'M FULL SIZE I'M GONNA SQUASH YOU INTO PASTE LIKE THE SQUISHY WASTE OF SPACE YOU ARE!"

The porcupine payed no mind to the insult-spewing screaming jet, instead choosing to flounce onward on its merry way. It looked rather pleased with itself, Prowl mused, noting the similarities between the porcupine's current stance and that of a dog who just caught a ball.

"$&$ %$#%%#&*$#!" Skywarp's indignant and furious threats devolved into unintelligible snarling as the black mech was dragged off, with continued impassiveness from the mammal.

Prowl glanced sideways at Sideswipe, who was shaking uncontrollably from his suppressed snickers. "Pfffffffft, AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The frontliner collapsed as he exploded with laughter, unable to contain it any longer. "W-what was _that_!?" He wheezed, clutching his sides as he continued to cackle like a madmech.

Prowl's neutral expression slowly morphed into something more sinister. " _That_ was a Decepticon seeker - part of Megatron's own elite flying unit - being abducted by an organic mammal. Presumably to be either buried, or cuddled." Sideswipe was right. Making jokes at Skywarp's expense _was_ fun.

" _Cuddled_?" Sideswipe was positively overcome with laughter at this point. " _Skywarp_? _Cuddled_?" The lamborghini was struggling to vent now, so Prowl decided it would be wise to cut the jokes until Sideswipe regained control of himself.

"Regardless of whatever nefarious scheme the porcupine may have in mind for our foul mouthed foe, it would be prudent to keep our guards up." The TIC said, dropping his mushrooms to the ground.

Sideswipe slowly got to his pedes, still sniggering and muttering about the cuddles. "Uh, Prowl? Won't Skywarp notice if we no longer have mushrooms?" He asked, looking at Prowl's fallen mushrooms while nonchalantly tapping one of his own.

"Of course he will." Prowl motioned for Sideswipe to drop his mushrooms, then set off for their campsite. "And then he will go mad trying to figure out what we did with them. After all, everything I do has a purpose."

The lamborghini ran after the praxian with a smirk on his face as his mushrooms tumbled to the ground. "I like the way you think, sir!"

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Forest: 7:57 PM

The frown on Skywarp's face was so loud that he was certain Thundercracker could hear it on the moon. Maybe he'd follow the sound and rescue him once he got out of the medbay. The black seeker turned his hate filled gaze upward and glared daggers at the organic menace that was still holding him hostage. "You're a bigger pain than Starscream, you know that?" He hissed, batting weakly at the the paw around his waist. It tightened marginally in response as if to mock him. The jet hissed again and clenched his fists angrily, plotting his revenge on the spiny bane of his existence. Whether or not he'd actually be able to carry it out was up for debate however, as he was actually a bit paralyzed with fear when it came to porcupines. Not that he would ever admit to the fact. He would take this secret to his grave. His _grave_!

He grimaced in disgust as the porcupine snuggled closer, cursing the race as a whole. "TCEEEE! GET YOUR THRUSTERS DOWN HERE AND HELP MEEEE!" Thankfully the porcupine was kind enough to cuddle him far away from the Autoslags, so they weren't going to hear his undignified shout. Hopefully. Speaking of the little brat and his stone faced commander, if he didn't escape soon he'd miss what the mushrooms were for! He grit his denta as he wriggled around, not that his squirming was doing much good. "Let go of me, slaggit! I'M NOT A TEDDY BEAR!" Curse his broken warp drive! Curse his broken wing! Curse the brat responsible for them! While he was at it, curse the porcupines! He squirmed some more and finally freed his arms, promptly taking advantage of their newfound freedom by doubling his efforts to escape. He grabbed the porcupine's paws and poured all of his strength into wrenching them away from his waist then sprinted off towards the beach.

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Forest: 8:52 PM

One would think he would have learned by now. Prowl's mere existence seemed to personally offend Primus on some level, and the creator of the transformers appeared to dedicate a large portion of his time to reminding the praxian of this fact at every opportunity. There was a point when Prowl assumed Sideswipe was his punishment for being sparked, but alas, it was becoming quite apparent that Primus had only just been getting started. So when Primus inserted yet another pin into his voodoo doll of the Autobot TIC, Prowl really shouldn't have been as surprised as he was.

Prowl and the frontliner slash pain-in-the-neck Sideswipe arrived back at their campsite sans mushrooms not long after leaving Skywarp to the porcupine's mercy. They would later defend that decision by saying they had adequate reason to believe Skywarp would not be harmed by the creature. The duo had just walked about ten steps into the clearing when it became apparent that it was much darker than it should be at the present time. Prowl turned, blinking at the sight of a giant set of organic hooves which - at their current size - appeared to tower over the landscape and when he craned his neck to get a better view, he found himself donning a rather mischievous smirk for the second time that day. "How interesting Sideswipe, it seems boars are indigenous to this island as well as porcupines." No answer. The tactician glanced over to where he had last seen the lamborghini, finding air to be the only thing inhabiting the space. Curiously, there seemed to be a lot more dust over there than there was where Prowl was standing. "Sideswipe?" He called again, optics scanning the clearing for any sign of the red mech. His gaze locked on some fresh pede prints leading from Sideswipe's last location to . . . "Sideswipe, why are you in a tree?"

Sideswipe's expression could only be described as complete and utter horror as he stared wide opticked at the boar, arms wrapped tightly around one of the tree branches. He very much resembled a frightened cat at the moment. And then-finally-he decided to bestow upon his commander a response. "P-p-pig! It's gonna kill me!" He squeaked at a pitch that Prowl had previously thought only Red Alert was capable of reaching. The praxian idly wondered whether or not Sunstreaker could reach it as well, and if so, what would trigger him to do so.

As Prowl stared up at the oh-so-fearsome frontline warrior, he did his best to stamp down his amusement and smug satisfaction. "On the contrary Sideswipe, I believe the grass is the only thing this boar is interested in murdering."

"You don't know that!" Sideswipe pointed a shaky digit at Prowl before returning his terrified gaze to the pig. "It could be trying to lull me into a false sense of security! Well it's not going to work!"

Prowl resisted the urge to slap his palm to his face. "Do not be ridiculous, Sideswipe. It is not even armed."

"Who knows!? It could have a stick hidden behind that stump over there! It doesn't even _need_ a board when I'm five inches tall! THINK OF ALL THE STICKS AROUND HERE PROWL YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A TACTICIAN!"

Prowl rolled his optics. Reason did not seem to be pulling Sideswipe out of his hysterics. "Sideswipe. That was the single most aggressive boar in the entire universe, and it has been taken care of. Get down from there."

Sideswipe eyed Prowl. "Taken care of _how_ , exactly? What did you do with it?"

"It was taken care of in a satisfactory manner." Not going to open that can of worms. "Now get down here."

"No."

"Sideswipe, you are a front line soldier who throws himself off of buildings, without a parachute and against my better judgment. Are you going to let a pig stop you?"

"Yes."

"Get down here."

"No."

"Sideswipe, I am giving you an order."

"No."

"Get-"

"No."

"Sidesw-"

"NO."

". . ."

". . ."

"What will it take to get you to come down?"

". . . You got any pepper spray?"

". . . _Why_ would I have pepper spray?"

"An axe maybe?"

"Sideswipe, we are _not_ going to take an axe to the local wildlife. Hound would cry."

". . . Fine. Just get rid of it."

"As in, out of the clearing? Or-"

"I DON'T CARE PROWL, JUST GET IT AWAY FROM ME!"

"Alright, _soldier_." Prowl rolled his optics again, stifling a chuckle at Sideswipe's expense. "Try not to bruise your fearless reputation on your way down from that tree." He briefly wondered if he could call the fire department. Help. My soldier is stuck in a tree.

Sideswipe glared daggers at the back of Prowl's head as the praxian walked towards the boar. "Ha ha. Very funny Prowl."

"You are a highly skilled warrior who has faced down some of the strongest Decepticons Megatron has, and you are hiding in a tree from a pig." Prowl shot back, pulling something out of subspace. "Forgive me if I find your behavior to be absurd."

"Yeah, well, you try getting stabbed by something you trusted was unable to kill you and _not_ get traumatized." The frontliner grumbled bitterly. "And why did you have a mushroom in your subspace?"

"Because we are five inches tall. I thought it would be prudent to have something to distract the wildlife." Prowl replied, holding out the mushroom. The boar sniffed at it, stepping a bit closer only to have Prowl start to head for the bushes. "And traumatized? You did not even see it happen. You were informed after the fact."

"Correction, I saw a blur, and then the floor. That's not even mentioning the pain. Have you ever been stabbed in the laser core, Prowl? That scrapping hurts, slaggit!" Sideswipe snapped. He was getting awfully snippy. "And how did you know pigs liked mushrooms?"

"You still did not know what happened, and no I have not, but I have been stabbed. As for how I know of the dietary habits of the sus scrofa, Hound and Beachcomber would not shut up about boar trivia for three days. Perhaps it is a good thing you were confined to the medical bay. They might have given you nightmares." Prowl glanced up at Sideswipe to gauge his reaction.

"Shut up Prowl." This was starting to seem like a normal conversation between the TIC and his fellow TIC Jazz, albeit reversed. Although . . . was that a hint of . . . _embarrassment_ he detected in Sideswipe's tone? Had the pit frozen over? Had he accomplished the nigh impossible?

"I cannot help but wonder if you are the only one with an animal related irrational fear, or if your brothers do as well." This was getting . . . dare he say it . . . _fun_.

Sideswipe glared an embarrassed glare at the praxian. "Red's scared to death of turbo rats." He muttered, unceremoniously tossing the security director under the bus. "But they've never even scratched let alone _stabbed_ him. He has no reason. Besides, turbo rats are adorable."

Prowl shook his head as he set off into the depths of the forest, boar close behind. How anyone could be so afraid of things that had no hope of bringing them harm, he would never understand. It seemed as if Sideswipe was the most irrational and idiotic of the three brothers - not that that was any surprise to him - and Red Alert appeared to be half sane half _in_ sane half the time. Leaving Sunstreaker as the sane one. Sane with anger issues and a thirst for the energon of his enemies. Perhaps he was a little hasty with his use of the word 'sane.' The TIC tossed the mushroom into a bush once he was a satisfactory distance away from the campsite, watching as the boar dove after it. Yes. This was what a pig was supposed to be. A glutton for food. He turned on his heel and meandered back into their clearing, looking up at his frontliner, still in his tree. "It is gone, Sideswipe. Now for the last time: get. Down. Here."

Sideswipe heaved a sigh of relief and inched his way over to the trunk. "Finally." He transformed his arms into his blades and carefully made his way towards the ground. So _that's_ how he got up there.

"I ought to throw you into the brig for insubordination." Prowl commented dryly, crossing his arms. "The first direct order you deliberately ignored and it is because you were scared of an organic pig."

"Which is practically the size of a _blimp_ right now, in case you hadn't noticed." Sideswipe snapped back as his pedes hit the ground. "Besides. No brig."

"I could always make one." The praxian pointed out, not that he had any intention of actually doing so. "Or I could tie you to a tree."

"No rope, and I'm stronger than you." Sideswipe was being incredibly snippy. It was fascinating given the fact that the lamborghini was rarely snippy. It was also irritating, but then again almost _everything_ Sideswipe did irritated Prowl on some level. "Care to mention how you plan to get word to the others? I'm sick of this place. It's boring." And infested with pigs.

"We have no means of doing so Sideswipe." The mustang deadpanned, trying not to laugh at the horrified face Sideswipe made. "However, we should not need to. You say that if you wander around with the intention of finding one of your brothers, you always do. Without fail. It is logical to assume the same goes for Sunstreaker and Red Alert. We just have to be patient."

"But . . . but . . ." Sideswipe stammered. " _Pigs_ Prowl! There's got to be at least three of them! There could be be ten! Or twenty! Or _thirty_!"

"Again with the pigs." Goodness gracious, Sideswipe turned into Red Alert when he was afraid. "That boar was far more interested in the mushroom than it was you."

"But what if they're conspiring against me!? They're going to kill me! I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

"You could have fooled me." Prowl huffed. "You seem to have a death wish, what with your inane 'jet judo.'"

"I do not!" Again with the snapping. Sideswipe was starting to sound like a broken record. "And quit _laughing_ at me!"

"I am not-"

"You were laughing in your head!"

". . . Sideswipe, you are being irrational."

"I AM NOT!"

"You sound like your brother."

". . . Which one?"

"The one that yells more."

"Wha . . ? I DO NOT SOUND LIKE RED ALERT!"

"You are only proving my point now. You are not helping your case."

". . ."

". . ."

". . . I'm starting to think you don't like me much."

"Do not be ridiculous. I do not dislike you Sideswipe."

"Then quit making fun of me!"

"It is hardly my fault if your behavior is absurd."

"You only _think_ it's absurd because they didn't stab _you_."

"There was only one, Sideswipe. One that wanted to murder you for who knows why."

"And then there's that. How do you know I'm not hated by all pigs?"

"How many boars have attacked you before and since that incident? You have nothing to be afraid of-"

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T READ THEIR MINDS!"

"For goodness sake, Sideswipe. Calm down."

"I'M NOT GONNA SCRAPING CALM DOWN, THIS ISLAND IS INFESTED BY THINGS THAT WANT TO KILL ME SLAGGIT!"

"Primus forbid you and Red Alert start panicking at the same time."

"QUIT COMPARING ME AND RED, HE'S LIKE THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION FOR PANICKING!"

"Regardless of the implications of you acting like a champion of panicking, we should really start building a fire." Prowl sighed and moved towards their shelter, hoping to distract Sideswipe from the apparent army of doom pigs that he believed was hanging around every corner.

"I don't need a fire."

And now he was being stubborn. Primus was laughing at him right now. Of this, Prowl was certain. "Sideswipe, do not be difficult."

"Quit doing that!"

Prowl glanced over at the frontliner, puzzled. "Doing . . . what?"

"Telling me what to do! 'Sideswipe, don't be ridiculous', 'Sideswipe, don't be difficult', 'Sideswipe, get out of that tree'." So snippy. Sideswipe's alt mode should have been a pair of scissors. "I'm not an idiot, Prowl, don't treat me like one."

"I am your commander. It is my job to tell you what to do, and you are starting to get defensive. What is the matter with you?" Prowl frowned and started picking up sticks and pebbles.

"Nothing's the matter with me." Sideswipe grumbled, moodily kicking a stick in Prowl's direction. "I've just realized that my commander harbors a secret disliking for me."

"I do not. I dislike your pastimes. Not you."

"Same difference."

"It is not."

"Yeah, it kinda is."

"Sideswipe-"

"You know what? How's about I give you a little space from insane and idiotic old me, huh?"

"Sideswipe, honestly-"

"Nah, you just make your little fire, and I'll just be off. Killing time. You said they'd find us eventually." Sideswipe didn't seem to care for what Prowl had to say as he spun on his heel and headed for the bushes. Not in the the same direction as Prowl took the boar though. "Hopefully I won't get assaulted while I'm out."

"Sideswipe. The boars are not going to assault you, and I do not-"

"You keep saying that. Maybe it'll make you feel better if I come back bleeding to death or something." Sideswipe's voice faded as he disappeared into the dense shrubbery.

Prowl frowned and slapped a servo to his face. "Honestly . . ." This was not Sideswipe behavior. Sideswipes were supposed to be smiley, overbearingly cheerful and optimistic jokers with a penchant for mischief and painful puppy opticked pouts. Not frowny faced whiners. Fine then. Sideswipe wanted to believe Prowl had something against him? Well so be it. It wasn't as if the praxian was starting to enjoy the lamborghini's company anyway.

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Beach: 10:34 PM

Sideswipe moodily kicked a pebble with an angry frown on his face. How dare Prowl make fun of him that way! The boar incident was no laughing matter, he'd almost died! So what if it was the single most baffling thing that had ever happened to the Autobots? It wasn't anything to laugh at! Wait . . . he'd already said that. A small part of him kept saying that he was overreacting and that Prowl didn't really mean anything by it, but this was _his_ pity party, and that part of him was _not_ invited, slaggit! He'd mope if he wanted to, thank you very much.

He yelped when he tripped over something, falling face first to the ground. As he sputtered and spat sand out of his mouth - had he really walked all the way to the beach? - he glared back at what had tripped him. Surprisingly, it glared back.

"How graceful, Autobrat." Skywarp sneered, lips quirked in a smirk. He was seated by a rock, his legs sprawled out in front of him. Not hard to guess what Sideswipe had tripped on. He gestured at Sideswipe's face. "Oh, and you've got a little something right . . . there."

"Very funny." Sideswipe grumbled, sand falling to the ground as he pushed himself up. The smug look on Skywarp's face made him want to punch him in his big smug face. Then again, any expression on the jet's face made him want to punch him. He just wanted to punch the big stupid jet. Period. "Have fun with the porcupine?" He sneered back, coughing up some sand that was still clogging up his intake.

The smirk dropped off of Skywarp's face and was quickly replaced by a snarl. "Hey, you watch your mouth, smart aleck!" He hissed, brandishing a fist. "My fists are still bigger than yours!"

"And yet I still busted your wings with my tiny fists. Maybe _you_ should watch your mouth."

"Excuse you, I was in jet mode! How am I supposed to punch you as a jet!?"

"You still did a terrible job of shaking me off. I've seen summer breezes with more turbulence."

"That's because you're part barnacle!"

"I'll take that as a compliment, dirt dart."

"Why you little . . . RRRRRGH!"

"Out of retorts, Skydork? Shame, and things were just getting fun." Sideswipe cackled.

"&##$%$% % %&&%$&# %$ #%$# %$!"

"I'm sorry, I don't speak snarl. Could you repeat that in intelligent speech please?"

"SHUT UP!"

"Is _that_ what you said? Sheesh, snarl's a tricky language. Anyway, no thanks. I don't take orders from Decepticon scum."

"THAT'S IT!" Skywarp growled and got to his pedes, lunging at Sideswipe.

The seeker and the lamborghini collided with a clang, tumbling down the slope one after the other. Sideswipe grunted when they stopped rolling, swinging a punch at the jet above him. Skywarp caught his fist with his servo and held on, swinging a fist of his own at Sideswipe's face only for the grounder to catch him by the wrist.  
"So . . . where's your straight faced commander?" Skywarp ground out, trying to free his wrist while keeping Sideswipe's fist in his grasp.

"Elsewhere. Besides, I don't need him to take you down!" Sideswipe replied evasively. When his grip on the seeker slipped, he quickly jerked his head to the side to avoid having his face smashed in. He then counter attacked with a left hook using his newly freed servo.

Skywarp cringed and fell to the side, allowing Sideswipe to scramble back to his pedes. "I'd still expect you two to be together for moral support or some other, super mushy Autobot slag." The jet retorted, grabbing a rock and throwing it at Sideswipe.

Sideswipe stepped out of the way of the rock and dropped into a fighting stance. "Mushy? We're not mushy. Have you _met_ Prowl? The guy wouldn't know mushy if it hit him in the head." He grumbled, his earlier irritation leaking into his voice.

"Someone sounds bitter. What did Commander McHappypants do to you?"

Sideswipe clenched his denta. "He was being a jerk. What do you care?"

"Jerk how?"

"None of your business."

Skywarp stared at him for a bit, an expression that seemed very familiar on his face. ". . . Want some payback?"

"Huh?" Sideswipe gave Skywarp a confused look. "I'm _not_ punching him, if that's what you mean."

"No, no, I meant something funnier with a little more . . . finesse." Skywarp said with a devilish grin.

The gears in Sideswipe's head turned. That face was just like the expression he got when planning a prank. He'd never pranked Prowl before . . . and he _was_ really mad at the praxian . . . hmmm. ". . . What'd you have in mind?"

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Forest: The Next Day: 6:07 AM

Prowl should have known something was off when he came out of recharge to a calm, peaceable silence. He should have, but alas, he didn't. It seemed his self preservation instincts were still a bit dull as he rebooted after his relaxing recharge. Regardless, that wasn't the point. The point was that someone - or maybe more than one someone - was out to get Prowl. One could even say it was three someones, but Primus hardly even counted anymore. It was like counting Megatron as a supporter of the Decepticon cause.

The praxian got to his pedes and stood in his small shelter, glancing around with puzzlement at the darkness. One look at his chronometer confirmed that yes, there should be more light than was currently accounted for at this time. So why was it so dark? He fumbled his way through the darkness to where the entrance was supposed to be and stared. He hadn't built a wall over the door. That would have been a stupid and illogical decision that would have done nothing but give him a processor ache and waste his time. So why then, was there a wall blocking the entrance? He reached out and pushed at some of the sticks forming the wall, throwing all of his meager weight into it. The wall fell with a crash taking Prowl with it, the light suddenly assaulting his optics blinding him temporarily as he felt several large, squishy objects pelt him from above. He quickly adjusted his optics to the new brightness level and glanced about to see what had hit him. Mushrooms. He and Sideswipe hadn't brought all of their mushrooms back to their camp, and he certainly hadn't stashed them on the roof. Something was wrong.

Speaking of Sideswipe, he hadn't returned last night from his moody little jaunt into the forest. Prowl's battle computer briefly brought up the possibility of Sideswipe having been correct about the sus scrofas, though his logic center quickly shunted it aside, dismissing it as pure gobbledygook. The very idea was so preposterous that Prowl was surprised at himself for even considering it. He shook his head and focused the computer's computational power on his current situation: on the ground via false wall, sans Sideswipe and surrounded by mushrooms. He moved to get to his pedes as he considered the cause of his predicament, only to find himself stuck. He glanced down at the false wall below him and vented a heavy sigh. It was covered in sap. Of course. He carefully positioned his servos on the sticks and shoved as hard as he could manage, falling backwards when he successfully broke the bond between himself and the wall. Slowly getting to a stand, he glared at his arms, thoroughly agitated at the fact that he was now sticky. Grass and dirt clung to his frame like leeches clung to human skin, mucking up his already scratched to the pit paint job. He suddenly had a sneaking suspicion of what was going on. "Sideswipe! I know you're there!" He barked crossly, planting his servos on his hips as his front was entirely too sticky for him to cross his arms.

He made a mental note to give Sideswipe monitor duty for a year when the Autobots rescued them when he received no answer after several klicks, moving to collect the mushrooms. He deposited the fungi in a neat pile on the outskirts of the camp and walked back to the fire pit to ensure the fire was out. He then took a seat on a pebble and took a deep vent. Sideswipe was upset with him, so this was likely his way of blowing off steam. Sooner or later he'd return as his normal self. At least, Prowl hoped he would. The third-in-command was loathe to admit it out loud, but he truly did like the frontliner. Sideswipe was one of the few bots under his command who seemed to get that he wasn't an emotionless drone, and he really appreciated that. Still, the lamborghini's habit of playing pranks on his fellow Autobots was most irritating. Or maybe he just didn't get it. He sighed again and stood, intent on heading to the beach to make some sort of beacon for the others when they arrived. His progress was halted quite suddenly when something caught his ankle, causing him to pitch forward and face plant into the dirt. He grumbled and glared at the strand of web strung between two pebbles. "Sideswipe!"

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Forest: 6:34 AM

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

Sideswipe snickered as he crossed his arms with a triumphant smirk, Skywarp's cackling not bothering him for once. The jet's laugh was quite the unattractive thing, full of gasps and snorts, but it was genuine, so who was Sideswipe to judge?

"Not bad! I never took you for such an experienced prankster!" Skywarp laughed, leaning against a tree. "But it sounds like captain whatchamaface knows you did it."

"Prowl," Sideswipe corrected before shrugging, "and of course he does. He wasn't gonna think a monkey did it."

"Pffft. I dunno. If you ask me, organics are starting to get really aggressive."

Sideswipe quirked an optic ridge at him suspiciously. "What makes you say that?" Bluestreak told him that the boar incident was being kept hush-hush outside of the base.

". . . No reason." Skywarp stated unconvincingly after an awkward pause before quickening his pace, whistling innocently.

Skywarp was an awful liar. Sideswipe wasn't feeling reassured at all. "Well, what next?" Best to change the subject.

"I dunno. It's harder to find materials out here. No glitter, or peanut butter, or tiny speakers to play annoying pop songs."

"Gosh, have you done the speaker thing?"

"Yeah."

"Sideways did that to Red Alert once. Sort of. He rigged the whole system to play Weird Al's Hardware Store song on an endless loop. Red looked about ready to tear him apart and burn his remains."

"I'd probably help him. I do _not_ like that guy." Skywarp huffed. "One Sideways is clingy and borderline psychotic, the other is a cruel scientist who's buddies with _Shockwave_ of all mechs."

"So? I mean, that would bother Red a lot, since he's so skittish and shy, but you?"

" _So_ , it seems like anything either of them do comes back to hit me in the face, be it pies or dismembered limbs."

"Yikes, really? You didn't strike me as the type to hate him that much."

"You didn't strike me as the type to know so much about your paranoid freak of a security director that you'd nickname him."

Sideswipe reigned in his initial reaction to Skywarp's retort (Red's not a paranoid freak, you jerk!), instead biting the inside of his cheek. Right, he and Sunstreaker's relation to Red Alert was classified. Some of the only classified information he really knew, and he almost made one of Megatron's most loyal puppies suspicious. "Why? Autobots are mushy hippies who preach world peace and lovey-dovey friendship, remember?" He said smoothly, adding a toss of his head for good measure.

Skywarp shrugged. "I guess, but don't think we Decepticons spend all our time beating each other up. We have friends. Thundercracker's a cool guy."

"Yeah, but you still spend a lot of your time yelling at and punching each other, right?" Sideswipe said with a pointed look. "Besides, Thundercracker totally doesn't count, Jetfire told me he was already your pal before the war."

Skywarp's expression grew a bit sour at the mention of the Autobot Air Commander. "Yeah, well, so were Jetfire and Starscream, but we aren't anymore. Screamer's such a jerk now." He grumbled, kicking the ground.

'Look who's talking . . .' Sideswipe thought before shaking his head, feeling almost bad for the seeker before deciding to change the subject again. "So, I've got an idea for phase two."

"Cool. Whatcha got?"

"Follow me." Sideswipe said, gesturing for Skywarp to follow as he led the way through the forest. "He's heading for the beach, right?"

"Right."

"That means he's probably got a plan." Sideswipe continued, stepping over a rather large stick. "Well, nothing bothers him like something messing up his plans or hindering his progress, so guess what we're gonna do?"

Skywarp gave him a toothy grin. "We're gonna drive him batty."

Sideswipe nodded. "Or, if he's doing something that'll help get us off this hunk of dirt in the middle of the ocean, I've got a backup plan: generalized mischief."

"Generalized mischief, huh? I like this plan." Skywarp said with a sage nod. "Lt. Partykiller won't know what hit him."

"Prowl." Sideswipe corrected again, peering through the last of the bushes lining the beach. "He'll know I hit him, but I doubt he'll guess you did too."

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Beach: 9:45 AM

Prowl was really starting to get irritated. One moment, he had a tiny pile of smooth pebbles of various sizes. The next, he had a pile of sharper stones. Then it would switch back. Then switch again. And again. And again. 'Sideswipe must still be upset.' He thought when he returned to the pile to find it once again comprised of pebbles. Shaking his head, he grabbed the two remaining pebbles and placed them around the base of his kindling pile to finally complete a ring. That took many more trips than he would have liked. Now, if his calculations were correct, the Autobots would likely arrive at the island in the general vicinity of this area. Therefore, it was the perfect location for his bonfire of massive proportions. He reached into the pile and removed a small twig, rubbing it against the surface of a nearby pebble to get a flame. He then replaced the twig into the pile and watched as it flared up. There. That should make plenty of smoke to attract the Autobots.

He sighed and moved back to the pebble, sitting down heavily. He was exhausted. Making that bonfire, small as it was given their size, would have been much easier had Sideswipe not thrown a hissy fit and abandoned him. Bother that frontliner. Prowl had been counting on Sideswipe's strength, and instead Sideswipe had decided to act in an extremely _un_ -Sideswipe manner and storm off. Prowl sighed again and moved to stand, only to discover that the pebble was now covered in sap. Wonderful. He had just washed the sap off of his front in the ocean earlier too. Irritation bubbled up inside him once again as he struggled to get to his pedes, his weight sending him face first into the sand once he broke free. "Sideswipe!" He shouted curtly, even though he knew it was no use. Sideswipe was probably laughing at him right now. Slag, Primus was probably laughing at him. All cozy and warm with a blanket and some popcorn. Or rather energon. Did Primus have the digestive capabilities of an insecticon? Maybe he did. Popcorn then.

Regardless of what Primus was or was not eating while he watched _Autobot Nanny, Live at 10_ , Prowl was currently thinking of what punishment to give the obnoxious red thorn-in-his-side when they were rescued. Maybe have him transport one of the humans' pets for a year along with the monitor duty. Didn't Lieutenant Mann say his friend had a pet pig that he doted on? Perhaps he could provide it with fancy transport from a lamborghini. A squirmy, terror-stricken lamborghini. But that wasn't enough. What else . . . "Sideswipe, if you don't come out, you'll be grounded from watching _As the Kitchen Sinks_ until the New Year!" Why was he still yelling? Surely Sideswipe was close enough to watch. Oh, right, he was angry.

When Sideswipe still didn't reappear, Prowl grumbled and trudged over to the water to wash off the new serving of sap that now clung to his frame.

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Forest/Beach: 10:00 AM

Skywarp snickered as he watched Lieutenant Threatenmyunderlings stalk towards the water, his back covered in sand and sap. "Heheheh, we got him again, eh Sideswipe?" He said, looking down at the shorter mech. He frowned however when he saw an almost sparkbroken expression on the Autobot's face. "Uh . . . Sideswipe? Something wrong?"

Sideswipe seemed to be staring off into space, and by all appearances only barely heard the question. "No _As the Kitchen Sinks_ until New Years?" He whined, wringing his servos.

Skywarp blinked incredulously. " _That's_ what's bothering you?"

"But . . . but . . . the much anticipated Christmas special! I'll have to watch it in January!" Sideswipe continued, ignoring Skywarp. "Mona was going to pummel Archibald for slipping narcotics into Raphaella's macaroni and cheese! And they were finally going to explain why Alphonso was acting like a scheming sociopath!"

". . . Archibald?" Skywarp stared at the morose grounder with bewilderment.

"And don't get me started on the way they advertised it. Someone's gonna die in that episode, I know it. My money's on George. Nobody likes George. None of the characters do, anyway. He's pretentious. It's only a matter of time until someone murders him."

Skywarp briefly wondered if this was how Thundercracker felt when he went on about _NCIS_. "Uh . . . well, it's not like he's grounding you from it forever."

"You don't understand! Everyone _else_ is going to see it ASAP! _Everyone_! They'll assume I saw it too! Aww man, and Groove's terrible. He'll spoil the whole thing on the first shift we have together. I'm _doomed_ I tell you! _DOOMED_!" Sideswipe cried, sinking dramatically to the ground as he screamed (quietly) to the heavens.

Skywarp stared wide-opticked down at him. "Wow. That show really that good?"

"Good? It's astounding! None of the soldiers seem to like it though. Something about it being a 'trashy soap opera.'" Sideswipe replied, sitting up straight with excitement. "Lisa's my favorite. She's a struggling wrestler who's trying to reconnect with her estranged father while recovering from a traumatic accident. George is her boyfriend. Her boyfriend that's probably going to die at Christmas."

"I thought you said nobody liked George."

"I said he was her boyfriend, not that she liked him."

". . . Oh. Well then." Skywarp was so confused. "Do all of you guys watch this show?"

"Just about. Even Sunny, though I'm not sure how much he actually likes it." Sideswipe shrugged and got back to his pedes. "The soldiers always laugh while they watch us watch it. Vinnie will actually join us, but John says it's because of the fancy camera work."

". . . Huh." The names Vinnie and John meant nothing to Skywarp, but if it was good enough that almost all the Autobots watched it . . . maybe he'd check it out. "Where can someone watch it?"

". . . Have you heard of Netflix?"

"Yeah." Skywarp answered with a nod. "It's on there?"

"Yeah. Nineteen seasons. Season twenty hasn't finished airing yet." Sideswipe stated before turning to face the beach once again. "Now, Prowl shall _pay_ for making me miss what looks to be the best episode yet! C'mon, Skywarp! It's payback time!"

'Nineteen seasons!? This show better be good.' Skywarp thought before following Sideswipe into the underbrush. "Hmmm . . . hows about we rig a bucket of mud over his little shelter?" He suggested, ducking under a bush.

"Sure, that sounds like-"

". . . Sounds like what?" Skywarp asked when Sideswipe randomly cut himself off. He followed Sideswipe's utterly horrified gaze with no small amount of trepidation to a small alcove bracketed by two tall bushes, squinting to see the creature in residence. Funny, he thought those only lived on farms. ". . . Huh. A pig. How unexpected." He muttered before turning his head back in Sideswipe's direction. Only Sideswipe wasn't there. "Sideswipe?" Skywarp whipped his head around, glancing here and there in an attempt to find the lamborghini. "Sideswipe!"

"Shhhh! Keep it down, it'll hear you!"

Skywarp looked up in the direction of the quiet hiss, finding the Autobot clinging to a branch on one of the shorter trees. ". . . What'll hear me? The pig?" He asked in confusion.

"No, the bush. Of _course_ I mean the pig, that thing is a serial killer!" Sideswipe hissed again, eyeing the pig with terrified optics.

"Are you serious?" Skywarp asked flatly, crossing his arms. "Are you SCARED of an organic pig?"

"Boar, actually, and okay, maybe it isn't a _serial_ killer. But it's still a killer!" Sideswipe replied, pointedly not answering his last question.

Skywarp looked from the Autobot menace - who not long ago made the jet almost fear for his life - to the pig (pig, boar, whatever), then back, optics welling up with a bit of cleanser before- "BWAHAHAHAHA! You _are_! You're scared of a _pig_! Holy Primus!" He cackled, his arms wrapping around his middle as his frame shook with laughter.

Sideswipe's gaze jerked over to the seeker, narrowing in anger even as a faint hint of blue appeared in his cheeks. "Shut up, Deceptiscum. It's perfectly rational!"

"No it _isn't_!" Skywarp shot back, the grin on his face threatening to tear it in two. "W-what's it gonna do!? _Sniff_ you to death!? HAHAHAHAHA!"

"I'm warning you, Skydork, if you don't shut up _right_ _now_ , I'll hit you with a snickersnee and you'll go _squelch_!" Sideswipe snapped.

"I'll make _you_ go squelch if you try!" Skywarp managed through his cackling. "I-I can't take you seriously right now! You look like one of those squishies in the movies when they're hiding from a mouse! What the slag is a _snickersnee_ anyway? Isn't that a candy bar?"

"It's something I want to throw at your _face_ , that's what it is. Get a dictionary, slagger!" Sideswipe shouted, his face scrunched up in a matter that resembled a human child having a temper tantrum. "How's it going on the moon with your little porcupine infestation, huh!?"

Skywarp made a choking sound as his laughter died a painful death. It will be missed. May it rest in peace. "How'd you know about that!?" He shouted, glaring up at the grounder.

Sideswipe made an almost innocent face, the kind that would be accompanied by a halo in a cartoon. "Gee, I dunno. One of your guys must have let something slip on the battlefield and the Autobot who overheard told his pal. Who told his pal, who told his pal, who told his pal, who told me. Autobots gossip worse than a couple of old ladies, dirt dart. Word gets around." He explained obnoxiously, making Skywarp wonder why he was even starting to _like_ the brat in the first place.

"Oh really? Is this what your drone of a commander did to make you angry? Point out all the reasons why your fear is stupid and pathetic!?" The seeker yelled, digits clenching to form fists that were _itching_ to pound Sideswipe's face in.

"His _name_ is _Prowl_ , you overgrown scrapheap! Why does that seem so hard for you to remember!? P-R-O-W-L! It isn't that difficult!" Sideswipe growled, rolling his optics in an exaggerated motion.

Skywarp rolled his own optics and stuck out his glossa in an _extremely_ mature fashion."I'll call your emotionless third-in-command whatever I want, thank you very much!"

"PROWL IS _NOT_ AN EMOTIONLESS DRONE, AND RED ISN'T A PARANOID FREAK EITHER!" Sideswipe screeched furiously, optics flashing with anger and hatred.

Well _that_ certainly seemed to get a rise out of him. Skywarp smirked, feeling a bit bold since Sideswipe was cowering in a tree and the pig was still behind him. "Yes they are, and your brother's psychotic."

"YOU DID _NOT_ JUST GO THERE!" Skywarp was feeling kind of glad that Sideswipe didn't have laser vision. The glare the Autobot was giving him would have brought death otherwise. "YOU LEAVE MY BROTHER OUT OF THIS YOU WRETCHED SON OF A RETRORAT!"

"Why do you even care what I say about the _emotionless drone_ anyway? You were all gung-ho about getting some revenge earlier!" Skywarp continued, ignoring the downright caustic look Sideswipe was directing at him. "What are you, bipolar?"

" _Petty_ revenge! I still _like_ the guy!"

"You have a strange taste in friends then."

"We're not friends, we're friendly acquaintances!"

"Same difference."

"No it's not."

"It is so!"

"Is not!"

"Is so!"

"Not!"

"So!"

"Not!"

"So!"

"It isn't!"

"Keep telling yourself that Autobrat!"

"QUIT INSULTING EVERYBODY!"

"YOU STARTED IT!"

"BECAUSE _YOU_ STARTED LAUGHING AT ME!"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING A WIMP!"

"I AM NOT!"

"YOU'RE HIDING IN A TREE FROM AN ORGANIC! THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF A WIMP!"

"THEN YOU'RE A WIMP TOO!"

" _WHAT_!?"

"YOU'RE SCARED OF PORCUPINES! IF THERE WAS A PORCUPINE DOWN THERE YOU'D BE UP A TREE YOURSELF!"

"I WOULD NOT!"

Skywarp could almost feel his spark sink to his tanks when Sideswipe's expression shifted from one of fury, to one of sadistic glee. "Prove it then. There's one behind you." He drawled, pointing blandly at something behind Skywarp.

". . . What? You're lying." Skywarp squeaked, squirming as he turned around slowly to look at what Sideswipe was pointing at. 'Please don't be a porcupine, please don't be a porcupine, _please_ don't be a porcupine-' He had to stamp down the huge urge to shriek and flee like a pansy when it turned out his smaller companion was telling the truth. ". . . Meep." The porcupine shuffled a little closer to the frozen seeker, its nose almost touching Skywarp's chest when it stretched its neck to sniff. The jet let out a high-pitched whimper when the porcupine didn't move immediately after sniffing, a slight shake in his frame as he forced himself to stay put.

"Hahahahaha! I knew it! You _are_ scared of them!"

Sideswipe's voice made him forget his terror for an instant as he spun around to shoot him a glare. "No I'm-" He cut off his genius retort with a strangled sort of scream when he felt the porcupine paw at him from behind. "YEEEEEEEEEK!" He darted to the nearest tree and scrambled up the trunk, dignity be slagged. It was for chumps anyway. His continued health was far more important.

"Uh-huh, sure. Our other complete lies of the day are that the sky is in fact _not_ blue but mustard yellow, and Megatron was right all along." Sideswipe sure knew how to run his mouth in a snark off, that's for sure.

"Megatron _is_ right!" Skywarp shouted, mostly because even _he_ saw that denying his fear would get him nowhere and _how dare that brat_ imply that Megatron was _wrong_? "I don't care what sort of propaganda and gobbledygook your self-righteous, hypocritical leader has fed you!"

"OPTIMUS PRIME IS NOT A HYPOCRITE!"

"He is so!"

"If anyone's a hypocrite, it's Megatron! 'We want peace and equality for all Cybertronians. Now wait here for a second while I destroy an innocent city.' What part of _that_ screams 'okay' to you!?"

"Oh, yeah? Well all your precious leader wanted to do was talk! We were beyond talking! Megatron took necessary action!"

"Was _Praxus_ 'necessary action' to you!? Because it wasn't! It was extremely _un_ necessary _slaughter_!"

"Megatron had his reasons, I'm sure! Just because you Autobots are a bunch of hippies doesn't mean you're always right! You're a bunch of hypocrites, preaching that fighting is bad but still fueling this war as much as us!"

"Because you left us no choice! You _forced_ us to fight back because you're a bunch of _creeps_!"

" _We're_ creeps!? _YOU'RE_ CREEPS!"

"YOU ARE!"

"YOU ARE!"

"YOU ARE!"

"YOU ARE!"

"YOU ARE!"

"HYPOCRITE!"

"CREEP!"

"Sideswipe!"

Skywarp's mouth shut with a snap at the sudden, unexpected third voice that cut into their argument in a loud and irritated, yet still slightly monotone voice, darting his gaze around to find the source of the shout. His optics finally settled on a familiar figure standing between the pig and the porcupine, staring with narrowed optics at Sideswipe with a stance that indicated his disapproval.

Sideswipe let out a nervous chuckle, his voice getting high and squeaky. "Uh . . . heheh. Heeeey, Prowl! What's up?"

"Hiding in a tree again, I see." Prowl stated blandly, one pede tapping the ground once every second.

"Again?" Skywarp asked, shooting Sideswipe a smug look.

"Shut up, dirt dart."

Prowl glared at the seeker but otherwise didn't comment on him. "I come into the forest to investigate the loud _shrieking_ I heard, and what do I find? You arguing with Skywarp yet _again_ after I _specifically_ told you to come back. Storming off to cool down is one thing, but direct disobedience is something I will not tolerate in a survival situation, Sideswipe." The praxian lectured, his subordinate looking unusually cowed.

"Uh, about that. I-"

"Since you seem to think that you do not need my assistance, and appear to find causing me grief to be a good use of your time, I would like you to know that you are not welcome back until you have come to your senses and obtained some semblance of maturity." Prowl continued, interrupting the lamborghini.

"Wha-? You're just going to lecture me in front of the enemy?" Sideswipe shot back, his earlier irritation surfacing once again.

"Frankly, it makes no difference to me _who_ I lecture you in front of."

Skywarp snickered, wishing he had some energon to enjoy, or even a video camera. This was gold. The Autoslags having a falling out? Priceless.

Sideswipe growled, clenching his fists. "Whatever. You think I can't handle myself until we're rescued? I'm no Skywarp!"

"Hey!"

"Skywarp is a helpless idiot, and you still refuse to grow up." Prowl huffed, crossing his arms.

"HEY!"

"Shut up, Skydork." Sideswipe snapped. "So it's settled. We're all going it alone."

"That appears to be the case." Prowl said cooly.

"Well, fine!"

"Fine."

Skywarp hissed, refusing to be left out of the conversation. "FINE!"

Elsewhere in the South Pacific: 10:42 AM

Bluestreak rocked on his pedes in his spot on Broadside's deck. Nineteen hours and twenty minutes. They had been missing for nineteen hours and twenty minutes. His brother _and_ his best friend. He'd ask how it could get worse, but he didn't want to go down that road. It was too much of a risk for his sanity.

"How are you holding up, Bluestreak?"

The praxian's doorwings tilted up at the question. "Huh? Oh, hey Rodimus. I'm holding up okay. Well, okay as I can be, given that Prowl and Sideswipe have been missing for nineteen hours and twenty minutes can you believe that they've actually been gone for nineteen hours and twenty minutes what do you think happened to them do you think they're okay Sideswipe and Prowl don't really get along all that well do you think they'll be able to tolerate each other until we get there what if they're already at each other's throats what if they're in danger what if they're hurt what if they're-"

"I'm sure they're fine." Rodimus cut in almost desperately, stopping the flood of words.

"Really? Like, really really?" Bluestreak asked, his face pleading for some reassurance.

Rodimus nodded. "Really. You know that Prowl will keep his composure under pressure. They'll be fine."

"Yeah, Bluestreak!" Broadside chimed in cheerily. "Just leave it to me and Sunstreaker. We'll find them in no time!"

"Thank goodness." Bluestreak sighed with relief before smiling at Rodimus. "So, how was Tahiti?"

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Beach: 11:00 AM

"Refuse to grow up, puh!" Sideswipe grumbled as he continued building his sandcastle. "Who needs Prowl anyway? He's just bossy, and uptight, and . . . and . . ." He let out a morose sigh and flopped onto his back. "Super smart, and a super guy. Hissing and glaring is not how you apologize to someone, Sideswipe." He muttered. His arms folded behind his head as he watched the sky with a sullen expression. "Way to go. You were supposed to apologize for being a jerk and stomping out on Prowl, not stomp out again." He watched as a small wave came up and knocked his castle down with a bland look on his face. Why was it that when he was alone he could think of millions of reasons why abandoning Prowl was a stupid and idiotic decision, but when he was actually around the praxian he couldn't think of any? "Because you're a moron, moron."

He got to his pedes and brushed the sand off his frame, idly noting that he'd be hard pressed to get a hug out of Sunstreaker when there was sand in his joints. Well, he was hard pressed on a normal day, but this would be extra hard. He then planted his servos on his hips and glanced around, trying to think of what to do with himself now that he was alone. Well, sort of alone. The beach had been divided into three sections - one for each of the stranded mechs - with Prowl in the middle, Sideswipe on the left and Skywarp on the far, _far_ right. The lamborghini had tried to apologize to Prowl at least four times in the last hour, but it always ended with him getting upset and storming away from the third-in-command.

An idea popped in his head as he glared daggers over Prowl's section at the Decepticon jet. He thought Autobots were a bunch of hippies? Well then. He'd show Skywarp the great side of hippie life.

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Beach: 11:03 AM

Skywarp could see him. He could see that little Autobot brat glaring at him from across the beach. The retrorat donned a little smirk before diverting his gaze away from Skywarp's face, wandering into the bushes. What the pitspawn was planning was beyond him, but as far as Skywarp was concerned, it was of no intrest to the sovereign nation of Decedonia. A large three foot by three foot patch of beach all to himself. What could be better? Besides, of course, Megatron's seal of approval. But Megatron was unlikely to approve of a measly piece of beach, so that was a far away dream still.

He sat down on the sand with a twig, drawing idle designs in the sand in his boredom. Curse the fact that Thundercracker was still incapacitated from the porcupine attack. He was starting to believe he'd have to stow away with the Autobots to get off this Island. What blasphemy. He glanced back over at Sideswipe's end of the Island and shook his head, rubbing at his optics as he double taked. The Autobrat had made a hammock. Slag, that looked comfortable. He was starting to wish Sideswipe wasn't disillusioned by Optimus Prime and was a Decepticon. _Then_ they'd get along.

Skywarp moved his gaze over to the living oreo to find him just sitting in front of his precious bonfire, doing absolutely nothing. He thought he was the sort to work constantly. Some third-in-command he was, sitting on the sand being worthless.

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Beach: 11:07 AM

Another failure. It seemed no matter what comm frequency he tried there was no one on the other end. Prowl sighed and shifted a little in his spot, keeping his optics shuttered to make ignoring his fellow strandees easier. He supposed that it was possible the signal was too small at their size, but until he could confer with Wheeljack and Perceptor he couldn't be sure. He opened his optics for a moment to see how Sideswipe was doing, because despite his pent up frustration with the red frontliner, he was still technically responsible for Sideswipe's wellbeing. However, Sideswipe didn't seem to need his help at the moment. The doofus had made himself a hammock and was currently lounging seemingly without a care in the world. Somehow, that didn't surprise him.

He directed his optics at the horizon where a certain familiar shape caught his gaze. 'Broadside.' Prowl quickly got to his pedes at the sight of the large Autobot ship, noticing out of the corner of his optic that his sudden motion had caught Skywarp's attention. Bother that seeker. Luckily it seemed Sideswipe had noticed Broadside as well, if him scrambling to the edge of the beach was any indication.

"Broadside? Broadside! They found us!" Sideswipe cheered, throwing his servos into the air.

Skywarp looked less than pleased about the fact that the Autobots had arrived first, but honestly, who cared what the jet thought? Certainly not Prowl.

The tactician crossed his arms, peeking behind him to look at his bonfire. If he could get the Autobots to look down once they made land, then they would notice the fire, and hopefully put two and two together about Wheeljack's shrink ray. "I told you they would find us." He said to Sideswipe, even as he started running possible solutions to his problem of how to make them look down. He hoped that maybe Sideswipe had finally come to his senses after their last talk 15 minutes ago.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Sideswipe replied flippantly. It wasn't clear whether he was still being difficult, or was merely distracted by the arrival of their comrades.

Prowl decided to leave well enough alone for the time being, instead focusing all of his processor power on finding something to get their attention. He needed something loud, something that could be heard across the Island . . . and just like that, an idea struck. He just hoped Sideswipe would forgive him.

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Beach: 11:25 AM

Sideswipe bounced on his pedes as he watched Broadside get closer and closer to the beach. Any moment now the Autobots on board would disembark. His excitement grew when Broadside came to a full stop and Bluestreak, Rodimus, Sunstreaker, Bumblebee, and Inferno dropped to the ground, allowing Broadside to transform and stretch his legs.  
"Whoooo, that was quite the trip. Usually I only have Cannonade and Seaspray to talk to on long sea voyages, so having you guys was really refreshing. Even _if_ you don't have a sailor vocabulary." Broadside stated, sitting down in the water. The carrier already looked huge at Sideswipe's _normal_ size, at five inches, Sideswipe doubted the ship would even see him. He was _ginormous_.

"Yeah, nice talking to you too, Broadside." Bumblebee replied before taking a look around the beach. Slag, even Bumblebee looked like a hulking behemoth.

Bluestreak scurried on ahead of the group anxiously, optics darting to and fro. "So, all pleasantries aside, any sign of Prowl and Sides?"

"Patience, Bluestreak." Rodimus said, his arms crossed in a way that showed he was in charge. "We can't expect to find them in thirty seconds."

As happy as Sideswipe was to see Bluestreak and everyone else, he was ecstatic to see his brother. He ran over as close as he dared to Sunstreaker's pedes and shouted- "HEEEEY! SUNNYYYY! DOWN HEEEERE!" -as he jumped around waving his arms.

Sunstreaker looked decidedly displeased at the fact that he was on a beach, but didn't react to his brother screaming and hollering on the ground.

"I don't think he can hear you, Autobrat!" Skywarp shouted from his piece of the beach. Who did that seeker think he was, anyway?

"I noticed, Decepticreep!" Sideswipe shot back with a glare. He moved his focus to Prowl's part of the beach. Where was the praxian, anyway? He had just up and left a few minutes ago, saying he needed to 'get something.' Why those words instilled Sideswipe with dread, he didn't know. But they did. Big time.

"You're certain Sideswipe's here, Sunstreaker?" Rodimus asked, arching an optic ridge at the golden frontliner.

Sunstreaker glanced over at the Autobot second-in-command for an instant. "Yes." He replied shortly, his optics clearly scanning the viewable parts of the island for any sign of his MIA sibling.

"Which means Prowl must be here too!" Bluestreak declared, grabbing Bumblebee's arm and pulling him closer to the trees. "C'mon, we've gotta keep looking!"

"I agree. They clearly aren't on the beach." Inferno chimed in, moving to follow the smaller bots.

More than Prowl's ominous words of ominous . . . ness, Inferno's words filled Sideswipe with even more dread. "WHAT!? NO! I'M HERE I TELL YOU! LOOK DOWN!"  
His panicked shouting was cut short by something squishy beaming him in the head. He turned his attention to the offending object after rubbing his head, staring in confusion at the thing on the ground. ". . . A mushroom?" He said, bewilderment on his face. When there was no snarky comment from Skywarp about the fungus, Sideswipe looked over at the seeker to see him staring at a mushroom of his own. Had he thrown it? ". . . Did you . . ?"

"No." Skywarp replied. "Did you?"

"No."

"Then who . . ?"

The gears in Sideswipe's head were turning while he and Skywarp stared dumbly at each other. Prowl was the only other bot that knew they were here, but why would he . . ? A sudden familiar - and completely unwelcome - shadow fell over Sideswipe, prompting him to look up. Out of the corner of his optic, he noticed Skywarp doing the same for a distinctly prickly shape.

A porcupine.

One look at the source of the shadow confirmed Sideswipe's worst fears. Prowl was evil. Prowl was sadistic. Prowl was a tactician of horror.

Standing over Sideswipe, was a pig.

Strong, fearless, soldier-like reaction commencing in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Beach: 11:31 AM

Prowl winced when Sideswipe's extraordinarily loud and high-pitched scream was joined by-

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

-a shriek from Skywarp that was just as loud. If this didn't get the Autobots' attention, nothing would.

Bluestreak stopped walking, his doorwings twitching quickly. ". . . Do you guys hear something?"

". . . Now that you mention it, yeah." Bumblebee replied.

"It's coming from below."

Prowl couldn't help the small wave of satisfaction that went through his frame at his little brother's words.

"Hey, it stopped."

Because Sideswipe was slowly backing away saying 'nice piggy' and whimpering, and Skywarp was batting at the porcupine with the twig in his servos. Also whimpering. Scary warriors indeed.

"Does anybody else smell smoke?" Bumblebee asked, looking around for any visual sign of what he was smelling.

"Yup, and where there's smoke, there's fire." Inferno stated, crouching down beside Prowl's bonfire of many inches. "And I found the fire."

Prowl decided to make himself useful and rushed over to grab the mushroom he had thrown at Sideswipe's head, whistling to get the boar's attention. Once he had it, he hurled the mushroom into the dense shrubbery and watched the pig chase after it.

"Wow. That is _tiny_." Bluestreak said, plopping down beside Inferno. "Do you think they got shrunk like Fireflight, Slag, and Wingsaber?"

'Yes, yes they did.' Prowl thought to himself before becoming acutely aware of someone behind him.

"You. Are _evil_." Sideswipe hissed angrily, his arms ramrod straight at his sides and his servos balled into fists. The look on his face could only be described as complete and utter rage. "Why would you _do_ that to me!?"

"I had to-"

"Had to what, make fun of me some more!?" Sideswipe interrupted, his tone biting and sarcastic. "'Ooooh, look at the big bad frontliner running from a pig! Isn't that hilarious?'"

"I was trying to get a sound loud enough for them to hear." Prowl explained patiently. He had known Sideswipe wouldn't react well to his plan. "This was the only solution I came up with."

"Scaring me half to death!?"

"Yes, because when you are truly terrified, you have one of the loudest screams I have ever heard, aside from Red Alert. Scaring Skywarp as well doubled the effect."

"You're a jerk, Prowl, you know that!?"

"Now you are just being unreasonable."

"This again!? Well that's just fan-slagging-tastic!"

"Sideswipe-"

"No! I'm sick of this! You making fun of me in such a passive-aggressive way! I'm sick of it! Sick of it!"

Prowl paused before answering. _Had_ he been making fun of Sideswipe without intending to? Sideswipe clearly thought so, and now that he thought about it, so did Prowl.

"Guys!"

Prowl's thoughts were derailed at the sound of Bluestreak's voice so close to his audios. He and Sideswipe looked to the side to find two humongous baby blue optics gazing at them with a devastating and spark-shattering expression: the puppy pout. Prowl was immune to this look by now, but he had to admit that it was far more potent at the moment than it had ever been to him before. Sideswipe on the other servo was left squirming, due to his lack of invulnerability to the sparkbreakingly cute.

"Are you fighting?" Bluestreak asked, a slight wobble to his voice. "Please don't. I don't want my brother and my best friend fighting."

Prowl could see Sideswipe bite his lip, looking a bit ashamed, but over what, Prowl wasn't certain anymore. It seemed he had accidentally been very cruel to the lamborghini, and he planned to apologize as soon as he got the chance. But for now, "Sideswipe and I are at odds with each other, yes, but I assure you that it is temporary." He said to the other praxian, voice much louder than usual to ensure he'd be heard.

Bluestreak perked up almost immediately and gently took Prowl into his servos. "That's good to hear. I was worried sick about you two and I was trying not to think about what might have happened since my imagination tends to run wild but it was still bothering m-"

"Good to see you alive and well, Prowl." Rodimus cut in as Sunstreaker picked up Sideswipe, rescuing the third-in-command from his brother's talkative spirit.

"Yeah. Like Bluestreak said, we were worried." Bumblebee said with a smile.

Inferno moved a couple steps in Broadside's direction, waving a servo in a 'come on' fashion. "Well, let's get you two back to base so you can be full size again."

"Wheeljack found a fix?" Sideswipe asked, clinging to one of Sunstreaker's digits.

"Yes. You two weren't the only ones hit." Sunstreaker muttered, taking extra care in climbing onto Broadside's deck once the large mech transformed.

"Fireflight, Slag, and Wingsaber were hit too, as well as Optimus." Bumblebee elaborated, giving Sunstreaker a servo.

Prowl simply frowned at that information. It got Optimus? He and Wheeljack were going to have _words_.

"Everyone aboard? Yes? Great!" Broadside said, sailing away from the beach. "Next stop, the U.S.A.!"

Some Island in the South Pacific  
The Beach: 12:53 PM

He really should have swallowed his pride and gone with the Autobots. He should have, but alas, he didn't. Now, it seemed Skywarp was stuck on this island until Thundercracker came for him. A shuffling sound behind him made the seeker pause, dread settling in his tanks. It wasn't really worth guessing anymore. He knew what it was.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Autobot Headquarters: The Next Day: 9:34 AM

Prowl walked into the monitor room a bit hesitantly, optics locking onto Sideswipe quite easily. The room was Red Alert's domain, and while he WAS Sideswipe's brother, it was clearly no consolation for the frontliner. Prowl had followed through on his plan to give Sideswipe monitor duty, only not for a year, merely a week.

"Hello, Prowl." Red Alert said cordially, his optics not leaving the screens.

"Red Alert." Prowl greeted back, his own gaze remaining on the other lamborghini who hadn't so much as twitched at his arrival. "Could you . . . give us a moment? There is something I need to discuss with Sideswipe."

The security director glanced between the two bots before getting up and heading for the door. "Oh, alright, but make it snappy." He stated, shutting the door behind him as he left.

Prowl drifted behind Sideswipe's chair, watching as Sideswipe leaned back to look at him. "Yeeees?" The frontliner prompted, waving a servo.

Prowl took a quiet vent. "I owe you an apology, Sideswipe."

The red mech lurched in his seat and flailed until he faced the tactician fully. "Wha-huh?" He said eloquently, gaping like a fish.

Prowl folded his servos neatly behind his back and explained. "It occurs to me that I may have been . . . unfair with you about your fears for the last two days. Just because it does not seem logical to me does not make it any less real to you, and I am sorry for making light of it. It was not my intention to insult you but I did so nonetheless, and for that I also apologize."

"You . . . me . . . wha . . ?" Truly, Sideswipe spoke words that would be envied by the greatest of earth's poets. The other mech shook his head and gave Prowl a sheepish smile. "Consider yourself forgiven, and . . . I'm sorry too. I know you didn't mean it like that, and I should have explained myself better instead of acting out. You were just trying to have a bit of fun."

Prowl returned Sideswipe's smile with a smaller one of his own. "You are forgiven as well. It seems being stranded messed with our rationality. You will be pleased to know, by the way, that I am not going to ground you from _As the Kitchen Sinks_ , so you can watch your precious Christmas Special that you were whining about on the trip back."

"Yes! Thanks, Prowl." Sideswipe's smile became a teasing smirk. "You like it too though, don't act like you don't."

Prowl's smile grew a little larger. "I . . . _do_ like its unpredictability."

"I knew you liked it!"

"I should let Red Alert back in."

"Awww, man! Must you? Monitor duty's so boring!"

"You do have a punishment detail to carry out for disobeying orders."

"I know, I know . . . and I admit, I deserve it."

"Goodbye, Sideswipe."

"Later, Prowl."

-The End-


End file.
